It has been a little over a year since I started on this journey that has lead me to creating Health Equity Jazz and for you to be here reading (or listening) to my words. In the midst of the concurrent pandemics of COVID-19 and systemic racism, who would have thought that I would finally find the strength and courage to embrace my WHOLE self in my professional and personal life? I sure as hell didn’t. And honestly, I don’t really know how all these pieces fell into place, but since you’re here and you want to know, I’ll try to recap a year in a few paragraphs. So here we go…

Prior to the world stopping and we began living through a panini, I had lost over 40 pounds and was an overall enthusiastic member of Orange Theory Fitness (OTF) sharing it all on IG through my Sankofa Struggles handle. (Okay, if I’m honest, I was obnoxious with my posts and damn near bleeding all things OTF). For context, I’ve always struggled with my weight. I don’t remember a time when a doctor wasn’t telling me, “you could stand to lose a few pounds” or “you know you have a predisposition to diabetes and your weight doesn’t help.” In January 2019, I joined OTF and WW for the third time. “My why” – I want to be a Mommy. And being a Black Mommy who survives childbirth in the United States is hard. I hoped that if I lost the weight, and God forbid I ended up having to be in the delivery room of a white OBGYN, he/she might care a little bit more about me, because I cared enough about myself to be within a healthy BMI category (future blog post on the crackpot use of the BMI scale).

Okay, back to my story. Between January and August 2019, I lost about 45 pounds. I looked good AF! Within those seven months, I did eventually leave WW again (future blog post about what prompted that decision), but I maintained a somewhat obsessive tracking behavior with MyFitnessPal and began a somewhat obsessive schedule of intermittent fasting. Thinking back on all of this, although I was finally in a healthy BMI, I clearly wasn’t mentally healthy. I was allowing my anxiety to present as perfectionism. Every calorie tracked, every fasting hour tracked. And if I didn’t meet my goals, I beat myself up and felt like I wasn’t doing enough to be “consistent.” 

Again, I’m going to stop here to say this way of thinking is BS. If you find yourself obsessively tracking or limiting your food, you may have an eating disorder. Seek therapy. Undiagnosed, eating disorders can lead to more dire health problems than if you were a few pounds overweight by an arbitrary scale. Oh, and of course, because Black people are less likely to seek help for mental health care, there are disparities in the diagnosis and treatment of eating disorders in Black women.

So here we were – August 2019, I’m in the best shape of my life, but honestly, I still wasn’t happy. I wanted to be more fit, I wanted to be a certain weight, and I wanted to become a fitness influencer. I started studying for a NASM and Precision Nutrition certification. I wanted to help women who look like me, lose weight, and find whole health… We know where this story is going to end, right? 

August 2019 – March 2020, I started to experience a few setbacks in my fitness journey. For the first time since I started working out at OTF, I had to take weeks off at a time for a few half marathon races and a nail biopsy procedure that had a slower recovery than I had anticipated (future blog post about that experience too). When that wasn’t the issue, I just started to be tired. Don’t get me wrong, I loved OTF and the coaching staff, but after a year plus of obsessively working out and likely consuming less than 1,500 calories on most days, I was just exhausted. Little did I know, Rona was going to come and make sure I had NOTHING but time.

March 17, 2020 was my last day at Orange Theory Fitness. And as of today, I don’t have any plans on going back. 

Since that last class at OTF, I have gained all of the weight I lost in 2019. But you know what’s funny — I feel lighter now, than I did then. Do I wish that I hadn’t gained all of the weight back? Yes. Am I upset that I have to start over? NO. I am actually very happy for the opportunity to listen to my mind and body and allow it to find it’s natural state of health. I am excited to be back in the gym today, working on building back my endurance and muscle tone. I am excited to not be focused on losing weight, but instead taking up as much space as my body needs and letting that be enough.

If you’re still here – I promise I’m about to wrap this up and explain how Health Equity Jazz was born out of this failed fitness journey.

RONA — When she stopped the world, she gave me an opportunity to really review my professional goals, how I show up in professional spaces, and how I want to be seen. I was born a social justice warrior, but you know how white supremacy maintains its stronghold? By steadily and passively stomping out the Black warrior spirit, when it’s not actively killing you. Over the past 20 years since I started my first job, my spirit was slowly diminishing year after year. 

And then 9:29 changed it all. 

My spirit woke up on fire. Ready to fight. And maintain that fight. Whether they like it or not. I started standing out at work not as a professional who happens to be Black, but instead as a Black professional. I started creating spaces for discussing the uncomfortable and holding people accountable for their racist behaviors. I decided to actively take up ALL of the space. — You see because I stopped obsessing about being a smaller physical version of myself, it freed up the mental capacity for me to be all that I am destined to be: social, racial, health justice advocate AND storyteller of the Black experience. And funny thing… now because I am mentally strong enough to stand in my truth, I can start working out again and finding my physical strength again. (Oh, and it’s also because I’m #YoungBlackAndVaxxed). 

So this is how we got here. This is how I decided to step out into my purpose and create a space of writing, videos, discussions, and collaboration all centered around my passion for achieving health equity. This is how a struggling bird became Health Equity Jazz. 

If you’ve made it to the end. Thank you. I hope this story gives you a little bit of insight into who I am and what you can expect from my blogs and communications. I want this to become a community, so feel free to drop a comment, connect with me on social media, or send me an email. 

Lastly, if you want to financially invest in the creation of my videos and ideas – don’t forget to sign up for my Patreon. Who knows, you might even get some cool stuff over there too. 😉

THANK YOU AGAIN!